i took the A train uptown. i remembered the elderly women from my departure at the airport – she told me I must go to radio city music hall. her memories were tangible. her warm smile, telling.
first trip to NYC. i want to go back already. (i learned) you simply can’t do it in five days. no way. no how.
“There is something in the New York air that makes sleep useless.”
― Simone de Beauvoir
messages to self: sway like trees. collect moments that show up at your feet. go off trail, get lost in tangled forest… in your own stream of consciousness. lean into each step with curiosity and abandon. obey your deeply wired rhythm that yearns to be fluid, and open.
if you don’t succeed, try again.
i am trying to be bold to step into (and through) fear. i am trying to find strength, not look back or hesitate. i am trying to lean in to the present, to let go, and just dangle with possibility between the brackets of now.
nourish. rest. water. play. chill. repeat. the rain boots, good for hosing down the litter box. but we are also hoping for rain.
never satisfied with letting go… never observing needs or necessity, she fuels small battles (in her mind). makes war (in her head). she begins with forced starts and ends in false beliefs. it’s a lesson she learns, again and again.
she is humbled. back at the beginning, observing the cautionary signs she did not see first time around. honoring static laws that wait patiently for her to remember. because eventually, she does.
she is fluid, open, ready. always ready. ready to dive in. because while time ticks and floats ahead, the gift of a day is always right in front of her, and light, just around the bend.
* * *
”Do you think that I count the days? There is only one day left, always starting over: it is given to us at dawn and taken away from us at dusk.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre
i hurried today with all i had.
i walked out the door with half-wet hair, outfit from the bathroom floor (read: almost hamper). i left my toothbrush (with its big dab of toothpaste) on the counter, slipped five chicklets in my mouth, rushed out the door, into the car and put it in drive.
once on the road, i’ve little impact of my arrival time. (my GPS has taught me this). but i give whatever i can to agile driving. in some respects this time is my downtime to let life steer for a moment (as much as i always try to steer it).
when i arrived, i crammed my debit card in the park meter. yelled at the big metal box and pushed all the wrong buttons. anxious, defiant and clearly not present, I had no choice but to yield to machinery, once again.
in my i hate being late, but always am, hurried state, i jogged toward my destination, slowing to a walk, and then eventually loosening my grip on the moment altogether. i felt a sense of gratitude come over me, realizing in that very moment, in my state of first world problems, just how very lucky i am to be navigating these city streets alone on-foot with a plethora of art supplies in both arms, on my way to painting class, meeting a friend for sake, and thai – nourishment for both mind and soul. (so very lucky!).
she, my friend, reminded me at the end of this journey, that i gave (the day) all i had. (truly). and we clinked our glasses together and remained closely ever-present in the moment.
[performance art event at an artist’s loft/residence]
i love when the universe nods to me.
i was dining with a friend, sharing a story, one of coincidence, about my experience attending a performance art event. relating to her how the event was (unbeknownst to me, until I arrived) held coincidentally in the home of an artist i admire (and where i had been, months earlier, meeting said artist for the first time). my friend nodded (NOT a coincidence, she says). She and I shared a mouthful, stories… heart… and when all was said, she set off. moments later I saw a woman approaching me. this woman – a dancer in the performance i’d JUST been beaming about – was coincidentally (!) dining in the corner of the same restaurant, AND overheard me sharing the story which involved her (!!). she introduced herself and we were both struck with a kind of kismet gratitude.
That we’d both been dining at the same spot… that she’d overheard me speak of “serendipity” (which was itself another serendipitous inception-like moment)… was more than coincidence. I took this as a nod from the universe. it was a last minute plan to meet my friend. a last minute choice to have Thai. my head and heart were needing counsel and encouragement (and definitely a sign). and this was a most welcomed marker from universe that i was exactly where i needed (and was supposed) to be.
yes, thank you universe, i am nodding back.